The Tale of Fear
The Tale of Fear is the third book of the Tasty Bible, and covers a turning point in the life of the AllFather. Content The Tale of Fear 1''' 1. The Hail Razor and company were trotting along the dirt path to 'Nam when his horse, Conquest, suddenly gave out and fell to the ground. 2. Greg, wanting to get to Isaac Newton with hasty, grew frustrated. 3. "Move, you damn horse! Christ in a handbasket, move!" 4. But still, the horse remained immobile. 5. Greg sauntered off the horse and told his men to stop and rest. 6. The sun was rising, and he reasoned that after riding through the night they could all use some rest. 7. Forming a circle, the four men sat atop their backpacks on the ground and passed around a water canteen. 8. Matthias whipped out a paper map of Shizzle he had drawn, and showed the path they would be taking into 'Nam. 9. They would have to take a steamboat up-river into the thick of the country, for the land surrounding it was poorly charted and would be risky to navigate. 10. Greg nodded his head in satisfaction, patted Matthias on the back and steadily drifted off into hibernation. 11. When he eventually awoke, Greg saw that Matthias and one of the guards, named Conway, were still huddled over the map discussing something in hushed tones. 12. The other guard, Gunter, was listening to his iPod all by his lonesome. 13. Feeling compassion for the young guard, Greg asked what he was listening to. 14. Gunter replied Nine Inch Nails. 15. As this was one of Greg's favorite bands, he became interested and began discussing his shared taste in music with the guard. 16. They talked of many things, of love and warfare and the nature of man, and Greg realized just how much he and Gunter were alike. 17. The AllFather was fascinated by the extent of the younger man's knowledge, and, as he was not feeling particularly pissed that day, Greg was happy to have found another person with more than half a chromosome to talk to. 18. Greg looked forward to hearing Matthias's thoughts on the lad. '''2 1. Suddenly, Greg's phone rang, interrupting he and Gunter's conversation. 2. "Sounds like my dark master's callin' me. Be back in a minute," Greg said. 3. He picked up to the sound of the Papa Bear's guttural laugh in his ear. 4. Papa Bear asked, "Do you know what time it is?" 5. Greg replied, "You better fuckin' believe I do!" 6. And the AllFather and Frankinator did pick up their smartphones and play Scrabble. 7. After an epic battle, in which Greg scored a 172 point word, he decided to call the game quits so he and his boys could continue their journey. 8. Matthias lead them to the river Styx, where a small dock sat. 9. Leaving their horses in a stable at the dock, Matthias arranged for passage up the river with an old black ferryman named Mahbutu Charon. 10. The men boarded the steamboat, except for Greg, who took a good long look around before getting on. 11. He was awed by the beauty of his world; after all, he had hatched these seven lands from his own ass. 11. Rubbing his buttocks in recollection of the pain, Greg stepped aboard the steamboat. 12. From the boat's bridge, Charon called, "Good aftanoon, Mistah White-Mahn! How fah we goin', exactly?" 13. Greg looked up the river, which snaked into Da Wildaness in a menacing fashion. A feeling of unease began to grip him. 14. "Pretty damn far," he said. 15. And with a tallyho, they were away. 3''' 1. As the boat went further and further into Da Wildaness, Greg noticed that all was not well. 2. The forest was dead silent, without so much as an animal call or the sound of the water to break the stillness. 3. It was not a tranquil silence that one would expect to find peaceful, but rather the quiet anticipation of a predator about to descend upon its prey. 4. Despite being a man of great resolve, Greg could not help but feel fear creep upon him. 5. He divided his time between sleeping, fapping in his personal quarters, and having discussions with Matthias and Gunter. 6. The prime minister had warmed up to the guard, but Greg noticed that Matthias was acting in an uncharateristicly anxious manner throughout the trip. 7. Not that the AllFather could blame him, for he wanted to get the hell outta der just as much as everyone else on the boat. 8. The isolation of the jungle bothered Greg in a manner which he could not quite understand. 9. All in all, it gave him the heebie-jeebies. 10. However, a much darker presence than the environment was manifesting itself in Greg's mind. 11. The young deity could feel something foreign intruding on his thoughts, and the feeling greatly disturbed him. 12. He tried to shut out the feeling by surrounding himself with the people he knew and trusted. 13. Eventually, night returned, and the shade of the trees prevented any light whatsoever from penetrating the canopy. 14. Greg went up to the bridge and began talking with Charon in order to forget his growing worry. 15. Upon entering the bridge, Greg was overwhelmed by the stench of alcohol. He realized that Charon was drunk as a skunk. 16. "Cap'n Charon, are you okay, sir!" Greg said, moving carefully toward the other man, who was slumped over the controls. 17. Charon jerked up at the sound of Greg's voice, then rubbed his eyes sleepily. 18. "Now why'n you haf to do dat, mahn? I was dream'in bout some sweet hash!" Charon griped. 19. "Isn't it your job to steer the boat?" Greg asked. 20. "Yeah, sumt'in like dat. You need eenytin'?" Charon replied with a yawn. 21. Greg proceeded to make small talk with the old captain for a time, learning that the ship had originally been a PT boat back during The War, and that Charon had bought it to work as a ferry for folks traveling on the river. However, customers had lately become scarce, and Charon had re-christened the ship the "SS Who Gives a Damn" to reflect his attitude toward his misfortune. 22. Apparently, most of Charon's customers had been Rackbars, the tribe of people Greg had laid proper waste to. 23. He felt kinda bad for destroying Charon's career, but then instantly went and forgot when Matthias and Gunter burst into the bridge. 24. "The toilet's backed up!" Gunter exclaimed. "We need to make a stop real soon or things are gonna get ugly." 25. "Just piss off the deck into the river," Greg said. "Doesn't seem that difficult." 26. "I'd rather not have a candiru fish swimmin' up into my pee-pee," Gunter replied matter-o-factly. 27. "Good point," Greg realized. "Charon, stop this boat NOW!" '''4 1. Greg, Matthias, Gunter, and Conway all stepped off the boat and began to walk into the forest of Da Wildaness. 2. The night was as black as the depths of Greg's cold heart. However, this didn't keep the AllFather from feeling somewhat unnerved. 3. "It dark out here. Greg no like dark!" he solemnly declared. 4. When they had all gotten far enough away from the river to avoid the candiru, each man found a tree behind which he could do his business. 5. As Greg unzipped his jeans he again had the feeling that he was being watched. 6. When he was done, he zipped back up and looked around for the others. 7. He realized that he had lost track of them. 8. As he began to step away from the tree Greg heard a rustling sound. 9. He turned around sharply, and found nothing. 10. Upon turning back around, Greg was surprised to see a dog sitting calmly in front of him. It appeared to be a husky mix of some sort. 10. Greg's heart warmed instantly, dispelling his fear. He had a great love for all things canine, including teeth. 11. He reached out to pet the dog when suddenly a large smile split across its face. Greg jerked his hand back. 12. Then, the skin of the dog's face began to peel away, revealing a horrific demon, colored a burning blood-red. 13. Greg blinked, and saw that the span of forest behind the dog now appeared to be on fire. A menacing, guttural howl emanated from deep within the thicket. 14. Greg stumbled back, mouth agape, and hauled ass back toward the boat. 15. As he ran, he saw Gunter and Conway running alongside him. 16. As the boat came into their view, Greg could see that Matthias had already made his way up the ramp and was motioning for them to hurry. 17. Heavy animal breaths fell at Greg's back, he knew the dog was coming closer and closer. 18. The Mighty Tater ran as fast as he possibly could, even trying to use the "gets there before he goes" method. 19. As he set foot on the ramp he heard a loud yell. Upon making his way to the deck, he hurriedly turned to look back. 20. Conway had scrambled onto the boat, but Gunter was nowhere to be seen. 21. "We've got to go back!" Greg exclaimed. "He's still out there!" 22. "We haffent got time, mahn! We need to go!" Charon called back. The boat began to pull away from the riverbank. 23. "GUNTERRR!" Greg cried to the high heavens. "You were the sweetest prince I ever knew!" 24. The sounds of his anguish continued to ring throughout the darkness of the night. 5''' 1. At dawn, the boat entered a clearing in the endless forest. 2. Greg was awoken by the acrid scent of smoke, and went up to the deck to see what had disturbed his slumber. 3. Not that he had managed to sleep much after the previous night, though. 4. Greg stepped into the small bridge of the ship where Matthias and Conway were standing by Charon, looking out into the middle distance. 5. In the clearing, there was a small village, or more precisely, what was left of one. 6. All of the dozen or so wooden buildings were either on fire or burned to the ground. Smoke billowed into the sky. 7. "Let's check it out," Conway suggested. 8. "Hell no!" Greg retorted. "I'm not losing any more men on this trip!" 9. Matthias looked over at Greg. "We might as well just take a look. There could be something that'll take us closer to Isaac Newton." 10. Greg thought for a moment. He had had enough of Da Wildaness and wanted to get back to the comfort of the 1sland ASAP. "Yeah, sure, why not?" 11. Charon brought the boat up to the riverbank and Greg, Matthias, and Conway disembarked. 12. The men walked amongst the charred remains, trying to find anything of importance. 13. "Smells like rotten blood out here. My God, does that smell good!" Greg commented. As he walking along staring at the ground, Greg almost bumped into an immobile figure. 14. Upon looking up, Greg saw that it was Big Chief Bromden, a regional Native American tribal leader. Behind him were a handful of other Indians, clad in traditional get-up. 15. "Hello, Chief!" Greg greeted, holding his hand out. The Chief did not reply. "How!" Greg said, holding a hand up. 16. One of the men behind Bromden stepped forward. "He doesn't talk. He's deaf and mute." This man took Greg's hand a shook it himself. "Hi, I'm Little Big Train. Think you could help us with something?" 17. "Depends. My men and I should be leaving pretty soon. What do you need?" Greg replied. 18. "We've been searching for the Sasquatch for some time now. We've been through hell and high water just to get this far, and burned down this entire village just to try and draw him out," Little Big Train said. 19. "Uh... I'll see what I can do," Greg responded. He was utterly appalled at the destruction the Indians had caused in their pursuit of the Sasquatch, but didn't say anything. 20. He went over and looked around a few buildings, and eventually found a large hairy form huddled against the remains of a wall. 21. Greg approached cautiously, saying, "Mr. Squatch, I'd like to have a word with you." 22. The beast looked up at Greg, and the AllFather could see a tired sadness in the Sasquatch's eyes. Greg felt compassion for the creature and reached out his hand. 23. Just as the Sasquatch began to reach out to take Greg's hand, Little Big Train rounded the side of the wall, pulled out a .45 revolver and shot it in the head. 24. Greg was horrified. The Indian had a big goofy grin on his face. "We got him!" he cheered. 25. Greg spat on the ground in front of the other man, and stormed off back to the boat in disgust. "Matthias, Conway, WE ARE LEAVING," he yelled. 26. After everyone was back on the boat and Charon pulled away from the shore, Greg heard the Indians begin shouting and chanting in celebration of their "victory". 27. Greg wondered to himself just how many more people would die needlessly before they reached their destination. '''6 1. Later that day, the boat reached the area just outside the charted land of 'Nam. 2. After careful consideration of the map Matthias had, the posse decided that Isaac Newton lived somewhere in the hills of these Outlands. 3. They would be on foot for the time being. 4. As Matthias, Conway, and Greg left the boat, Charon called after them in irritation, "Yaw, go an leave the black mahn like ya always doo. Watchin' dis boat tis so fun, ya know?" 5. The three men trekked for many hours, stopping only for short breaks of oreos and carbonated beverages. 6. About mid-day, though, the men had a strange experience for which they could not truly account for. 7. They saw God Himself strolling in their direction with The Adversary in tow. God Himself politely asked, "How you boys doin'?" 8. Greg replied, "Just fine, sir, how 'bout yourself?" 9. "Perfectly well!" God Himself stated matter-of-factly. "My friend The Adversary here decided he wanted a rematch after our game of checkers, so we played some Tiddlewinks. I whupped his ass accordingly." 10. Greg nodded and prepared to walk away. "Well, it's been nice talking with you, but we really need to be on our way." 11. "Of course! Before you go, anybody want a body message?" God Himself said. 12. "Come again?" The Adversary asked. 13. "Hey, nothin', be seein' y'all around, m'kay?" He replied. 14. After they had left, Greg looked over at his fellows and asked, "Was it just me or was that a bit strange?" 15. They continued on without further incident. 16. When they finally reached the house of Issac Newton, night had begun to fall. 17. They snuck up to the modestly-sized house, which sat atop a large hill. 18. Greg motioned for Matthias and Conway to wait outside. "This is between me and him. You guys wait out here. I won't be long." 19. Greg quietly opened the door and entered the house. He walked down a short hallway and came into the living room. 20. Therein sat a man in a large chair in front of a fireplace. The light from the fire cast flickering shadows throughout the room. 21. On a small table next to the chair was a single red apple. 22. Greg took a deep breath and approached the chair. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the apple rise slowly off the table and move into the open hand of the man seated in the chair. 23. The man took a bite from the apple and in one quick motion leapt out of the chair, turned, and threw the apple straight at Greg. The fruit hurtled toward him at nearly 90 miles per hour and hit 'em square in the gut, knocking the breath out of him. 24. But Greg was the AllFather, and recovered fairly quickly. 25. He doubled over, and stood back up to see Issac Newton standing before him in all of his twisted British glory. 26. "Ah, so the fat Yank has finally come for me," Newton sneered. 27. "I PREFER Hefty-American, you limey bastard!" Greg shouted, and with his Mighty Manos punched Newton square in the face. 28. The man soared into the wall behind him, breaking though it and landing in the room beyond. 29. Greg came in after him, shattering the remainder of the wall and thundering "OH YEAH!" in proper Kool-Aid man manner. 30. He then ran at the speed of sound toward Isaac. 31. As the Brit began to stand, Greg pummeled him with every bit of strength he had. Time seemed to slow for Greg, and every punch connected perfectly. 32. The Slender One's rage had forged a ferocious fighting style from the darkest depths of hell. 33. Newton wasn't through yet, though. Using his arcane English powers, he caused the gravity in the room to increase, making everything in it weigh tenfold more. 34. Greg, disoriented by the shift in gravity, fell to the ground. He was now too heavy to stand back up, while Newton changed the gravity around himself so that he could levitate in the air. 35. "You honestly thought you could beat me, the Master of the Physical Force? You have FAILED!" Newton taunted. He descended toward Greg. 35. The AllFather pulled himself into a sitting position through sheer willpower, and then brought his full mass on the floorboards below him. They snapped like so many sticks and dropped him into the dimly-lit basement. 36. In doing so, Greg managed to land in such a way that he performed a barrel roll on the ground and came up standing. 37. Newton came in after Greg, dropping down lightly using his powers. 38. The Mortal Kombat theme began to play as the two fought fisticuffs-style. 39. They duked it out for what seemed to be days, until finally Newton caused the gravitational forces in the room to shift to the wall behind Greg, pulling him back. 40. Greg hit the wall, but used the momentum to bounce back slightly and recover his footing. 41. Greg looked straight at Newton, wiped the sweat from his face, and shouted three words, "wuld, Nah, KEST!" 42. This Whirlwind Spirit Dragonshout shot Greg forward with the speed of a tempest, crashing into Newton with the mass of 1000 bears. 43. The two combatants broke through the stone wall of the basement and traveled several meters into the ground. 44. Matthias and Conway rushed into the basement, calling Greg's name. 45. They watched as he emerged from the hole in the wall, brushing dirt and bone matter off himself. 46. The Hail Razor breathed a tired sigh and said, "Let's go get our Zimbabwean." 7''' 1. Back on the boat, Greg stood on the deck, unable to sleep. 2. In his bloodlust for Isaac Newton, the young deity had lost sight of the true purpose of his mission: to find and tear asunder that rat bastard brony out in 'Nam. 3. However, much had happened since he and his posse had embarked on their holy quest. 4. Greg was tired and world-weary, and was anxious to put an end to this little vacation. 5. Lost in his thoughts, Greg didn't notice the muted thump on the top of the boat as something dropped down from the forest canopy. 6. It wasn't until something slithered behind him that Greg realized something was wrong. 7. He whipped around, but saw nothing. There was a shuffling off to his left, and he glanced over. 8. The creature that had been in wait drew up to its full height, standing on its four inky-black tentacles. Greg saw that it was wearing a dark-colored business suit and, to his horror, had a completely featureless face. 9. "It can't be!" he muttered, but it was. 10. The Slender Man stood before him; not the spirit of the Indian man residing within Greg, but the purest incarnation of evil itself. 11. It began to saunter towards Greg, only to be stopped by a cabin door swinging open in front of it. Conway stepped out. 12. "AllFather, what art thou doing up this late?" the guard asked. "Turn around you dumbass!" Greg responded. 13. As Conway looked over his shoulder, the Slender Man pounced over the door at him. One of the creature's tentacles shot up and impaled Conway, bringing them face-to-face (or at least what passed for the Slender Man's face). 14. Conway coughed up blood, and the Slender Man flung him off the boat deep into the forest. 15. Greg backed up quickly, tripping over himself and falling to the deck. The Slender Man advanced upon him. 16. Continuing to move himself back further, Greg felt the railing of the boat at his back, realizing too late there was nowhere left to go. 17. He watched as the nightmarish being wrapped him in its tentacles, locking him in place. 18. Its hands reached toward Greg's face, and his world went black. '''8 1. Upon waking, Greg saw that he was no longer on the boat. 2. He was lying on a patch of sand by the river, though he couldn't be sure how far downstream he had gone. 3. A glance up revealed several small torches scattered farther in-land, and what appeared to be a small encampment. 4. Greg got up and hauled himself over to the strange sight. 5. He could hear voices as he got closer. 6. Coming around the corner of a tent provided Greg a view of a scene straight from a pagan ritual. 7. A large claw-like obelisk stood at the center of an open area of the camp. His heart sinking, Greg recognized it as the Marker. 8. Several people danced around it, others held hands and sang, and at least one man was masturbating furiously in the general direction of the marker. 9. For the briefest instance, Greg could see a tall figure standing before the Marker. It towered above the rest. 10. Its empty face turned around to "look" directly at Greg, and when he blinked, the creature was gone. 11. A tad bit jarred, the Mighty Tater walked into the gathering with a confused look on his face. 12. One of the folks looked over at Greg, then broke off from the group to speak with him. 13. Greg was surprised to see that it was Matthias. 14. "What in the holy hell are you doing here, Matthias?" Greg queried. 15. "It's kind of a long story. I can try to answer what questions you have," he answered. 16. "One wrong answer will lead to a kick in the crotch," Greg bellowed angrily. He had been through too much to put up with this crap. 17. "Fine, fine," Matthias began. "Okay, you remember when the prime minister Whatch ya'Doin and I came to research different parts of Shizzle? Well, he and I managed to make it out here to 'Nam, and I drew a crude map of the region which I used to guide the boat. We spent some time with the locals and got to know the man called the Zimbabwean. Turns out he isn't actually from Zimbabwe, but used that as a cover. This man showed us enlightenment, sire. He taught that any actions that lead to the release of pain from the body and mind are good, and that all forms of pain are evil. He even showed us a great TV show, 'My Litt-'" 18. "Mention that show's name and I'll rip your gizzard out and shove it down your eye socket!" Greg thundered, for he truly hated all things pony-related. 19. "My apologies, AllFather. But you must understand, this man is mesmerizing! He's like a demigod!" Matthias continued. 20. Greg didn't like people weaseling into his domain. There was room for only one demigod in Shizzle. 21. "Bring me to this man at once!" Greg demanded. As he and Matthias walked, the PadreDeTodos asked, "Btw, why are you here now?" 22. Matthias looked down to the ground. "I've kept in touch with the Zimbabwean. I came to warn him of your arrival. He also asked to send someone along to fetch you at the boat. Made the trip shorter." 23. Greg realized that the Slender Man had brought him here, on the whim of its dark master. 24. The Hail Razor shivered at the idea of someone who could control the Slender Man. 9 1. Matthias led the way to a makeshift temple atop a hill, where he left Greg. 2. Inside the temple was a man, hands clasped behind his back, standing next to a small fire. The man turned to face Greg. 3. Greg gasped in shock. "Isaac Clarke? Is that you?" 4. "It certainly is, dear Greg. I'm glad to see you again, old friend," Clarke said. He looked how Greg felt: exhausted. 5. Greg asked Isaac many questions about what had happened since they had last met back on Mt. Doom to defeat the Necromorph hordes, so many years before. 6. Isaac explained that after the battle he had joined an elite club, the Baddie-Dominating Space Marines, or BDSM for short, in which enemies of the undead from across the universe had organized to kill zombies and stuff. 7. One day at the Doom Guy's apartment the members had gathered to discuss business, but the meeting quickly degenerated into an argument. 8. The Master Chief had started making fun of Commander Shepard for having casual sex with all of the aliens in his crew, and Shepard had retorted by pointing out his sexual conquests were real females and not holograms like Cortana. 9. All this talk reminded Clarke of his dead girlfriend Nicole and the terrors he had faced on the USG Ishimura. 10. Gordon Freeman had observed Clarke's pain during the meeting, and later that evening left a DVD of the Complete First Season of "That Equine Show" at Clarke's place at the kitchen table. 11. Clarke watched the whole thing in two days, then fled to the jungles of 'Nam in order to discover his inner peace. 12. Several of the locals joined him, and once word got around about Clarke folks were flocking from every which way to join him in his quest to enlightenment. 13. He renounced his own name, instead calling himself "the Zimbabwean" after the famously peaceful people of that nation, and developed a society in which people could do whatever they pleased so long as it gave them pleasure and did not cause pain for other people. 14. Behaviors endorsed by Clarke included any number of sexual kinks, fetishes, bizarre dietary habits, and a love for all things chinchilla. 15. Greg could not stop himself from interrupting, "But why the HELL do you watch that damn horse show? It's so adorable it's sickening." 16. Clarke looked the AllFather straight in the eye and said, "You may scoff at that show. You may be disgusted with its cuteness. You may ask yourself 'how can any self-respecting man watch this?'. But keep in mind, Greg, I have seen the world die." 17. Greg saw that he had a point. 18. The two men talked for sometime after, and Greg could see that Clarke could not escape his inner demons despite his efforts to create a sense of peace. 19. He mentally wrestled over what to do for his friend, and finally came to a decision. 20. At about 4 in the morning, the Slender One arose from his sacred hibernation down by the river Styx, and promptly prepared himself. 21. Using his Daedric powers, Greg crafted a blade of the hardest glass using the sand beneath his feet, and sharpened the edge by running it across his razor-like teeth. 22. He walked back into the village square, where the townspeople where dancing to the Ghost Song by The Doors. 23. He climbed the hill and drew his knife. 24. Clarke was standing next to the flame, much as Greg had first found him. 25. In one hand he held a picture of Nicole, in the other a Fluttershy plushie. He threw both of these into the fire and looked up just as Greg charged him. 26. The mighty Greg plunged the glass blade deep into Clarke's chest and pinned him against the far wall. 27. A look of sadness and then acceptance crossed Clarke's face. 28. He looked into Greg's eyes even as his vision began to cloud over. 29. "Was that a plasma cutter?" Isaac Clarke asked, and then gave up the ghost. 30. Greg gently brought the body of his dead friend to the ground, and then looked to the sky and let loose a great Krogan cry. 31. The temple began to implode around Greg, and he ran down the hill straight toward the Marker. 32. Jumping above the assembled crowd, Greg drove his Mighty Manos right into the Marker, shattering it. 33. There was a tremendous explosion which swept Greg and the others up in its wake. 34. When Greg got up, he saw the true horror of what had been taking place here. 35. The people in the camp square had in fact been necromorphs, and some of them were still alive. 36. Greg heard a familiar voice from behind him call, "Get outta der mahn! Don't be foolish!" 37. He turned to the river and saw Charon and Matthias on the boat motioning for him to come. 38. They didn't need to tell him twice. 39. Getting there before he went, Greg collapsed on the boat, feeling the weight of the past several days' events drag him to the deck. 40. As Charon spun the boat around to take them up-river, Matthias knelt by Greg. 41. Over the moans and roars of the necromorphs at the camp, Matthias heard Greg say, "I have seen the births of wars, the deaths of gods", before the AllFather slipped into sweet, dreamless unconsciousness. Fourth Installment A Song of Destruction